Saw this in the drafts, felt I should post it. I don't even remember what this was about, lol. My frustration can sometimes surface at the weirdest moments. This was originally supposed to be posted sometime between October 22, 2009 and July 17, 2014... which actually doesn't really narrow it down much. But it makes mention of an internship, so it was most likely around April-May 2010, maybe a few months earlier.
Why is it that when you want to do something for yourself, people always find a way tor ruin it for you?
This ojt thing was so fucked up, I'm not even going to be surprised if I get a 5 out of it... and that's the just the beginning.
I want to write. I want to write a decent rant, but I feel so empty. I'm literally out of gas, and I've been like this for such a long time that I don't even know how fix it. I feel numb - or I should say, I'm numb, since being numb means I can't feel anything anymore. Literally - emotionally. I thought things would turn out for the better when I reach this final year of college, but I'm going through that depression state I was in just a few years ago.
A slump. I'm definitely tempted to call it that, but can it still be called a slump if I've been in it for almost a year now? I don't know why this is happening to me; I keep fucking up people and relationships and god knows what else. I just feel so drained all the time that I can't even think of anyone but myself. I feel so... selfish, so insecure, so tired and tired of it all. I'm sick. It's almost as if I've caught all the forms of depression imaginable. I'm just... so sad all the time, it's making me physically sick.
I don't know why. I have no idea why I'm still like this. I mean, I've gotten over 'that' ages ago. I'm sure I have. It doesn't even hurt anymore when I see that person laughing with other people... I mean, it used to, a lot. A whole lot... but I guess it's true that time heals people. Or it just makes you so numb to things, you don't even realize you're hurting.
I'm going to be honest. That thing that happened fucked me up good. And it left some lasting damages, damages like a poison attack in rpg games. If I don't get myself an antidote, it'll keep coming back to suck more of my life points. Funny, that. I wonder if that was the inspiration for poison effects in games. But seriously, I'm more fucked up than ever now, I know.
These past few months, I've done a lot of nasty things. Mean things. Crazy things. Like that time at that bread store. You know who you are and what I did. Can't say I can ever fully explain why I did that at that time and at that place, but I know what I did then hurt us a lot. And sado-masochistically crazy as it sounds, I wanted it to hurt us. Because I'm fucked up like that. And because I wanted to know if I mattered enough to you that it would hurt. But I guess that backfired on me, huh? We were never the same after that.
I kept thinking, "Oh well, better to nip it at the bud than have it turn to something that will hurt me even more later." But that wasn't right. Actually, you had a point in saying what you said that time... it hit me hard, what you said, but not because of what you meant with those words. You told me you felt that I was just picking you as a second choice, as somewhat like a back-up plan to my already messed up relationship with that someone. I denied that at that time, and I'm still denying it now. But I've come to realize something.
I was scared. I was scared of going through all of it again, so scared that I didn't want to get attached too much. There was something you said before that phrases it quite accurately... Ah, yes. That this is the problem with investing in people. I firmly agree with that. People are fickle things. They're fine one moment and then they're unhappy the next. They're not like things a person can buy - once bought, there's no turning back. If only people could also be like that, then this world would not have a problem at all.
When that person and I started fighting, I felt so much like crying. I wanted to just scream and never stop screaming. I wanted to throw things around, smash windows and break plates. I wanted to throw my clothes out the window and just.. just pour it all out. I wanted to strangle myself my letting things go haywire. I wanted to do so much...
I never had the chance, though. I didn't get mad physically, I wasn't able to throw around anything. Not even a pillow. Not a single tear ran down my cheek. I just literally went silent. There was nothing to let out because all the feelings I've bottled inside just somehow sank even deeper when I tried to get them out. It's like all my sadness and anger didn't want to let go of me, and I couldn't do anything about them. Couldn't do anything but try to move on, move on and forget.
But those feelings.. they still fuck me up. They made me act like that toward all the other people near me. I want to blame that person, but that would not be fair. They were my feelings; I was responsible for creating them, no matter what the situation. No matter how much I just want to cover my ears and tell everyone that it wasn't my fault.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I could've chosen not to associate with people I knew were going to be bad for me [and there's no question that they were going to be bad for me, I have a sixth sense for these things apparently, developed through the years of extremely bad decision making], but for some reason, I keep making the same wrong decisions over and over and over again.
I should've seen it. Actually, looking back, I now realize that I did kind of see it... or more like, felt it was going to happen. And I don't know why I ignored my instincts this time, when I normally would listen to them. It's my own fault, really. I'm the one doing this to myself, I'm the one who keeps fucking me over. And I guess I'm getting kind of tired of all these mistakes.
I might not sound so coherent right now. It's not because I'm drunk, or under the influence of some kind of drug... just that I'm rewatching / marathoning the tv series Forever, which I've just found out had not been renewed for a second season. Shame. It could've rivaled Bones and Castle with respect to gimmick, and specially since it has Alana dela Garza and Ioan Gruffud in it. Ah well, I guess its timing that was going against it. And the glaring [but charmingly so!] plot holes.
All these binge watching may just be my way of trying to forget the negative feelings festering inside me. And while I'm pretty sure it's not really helping, I really don't have anything else that could help me, seeing as the only people I normally talk to about these things are also the people I'm having issues with. Or at least, one-half of them. The other half I've only been associating for the convenience of it [but of course, that's turned out so spectacularly]. Sigh. At least I'm not failing my classes on top of everything else, right? Everything's got to be better than the repeat of 2011.
I don't even know why I'm posting here, since this is, at best, just a mere annoyance. An inconvenience. The only reason why I've been obsessing over it is because I haven't had anything major happen to me in a while, and this trivial thing has all my attention.
So the solution? Get some other things to steal my attention. [Aka Operating Binge Watch]
Now that a few days have passed, I feel like laughing about what a shitty friend you are. I hope you're listening, kono baka saru. Oh wait, you don't deserve that title. Sanzo might bust my ass for desecrating his beloved pet name for Goku.. >D
Here's something I wrote just after I wrote the last one. It's a little angry, but mostly it's sarcastic. -shrugs-
The normal text from here on are excerpts from her post. The >> text << are my comments. Knock yourself out, imaginary reader. >D
Status on homepage told me that it had been 3 weeks ever since I updated. Hoo boy. And my first concrete update (because we're not counting private entries) is...yes! An acerbic rant! Yee-hah!
>> YEAH, here it comes! <<
Alright, fake and sarcastic joviality aside, I am seriously pissed off.
>> well, holy shit, that's what "an acerbic rant" means, right? so sorry, my vocabulary is currently limited to bitch and bitch. :D <<
We shall not name names, just for the thrill and, ahem, what, fun of it? But we shall point. You. And you. Yes, the fraggin' two of you. Now, at least let me vent some of anger, because it's quite tiring to maintain the semblance of civility, so let me curse, okay? At least you owe me that much, amigas.
>> HOLYCRAP SHE USED THE F WORD! ;A; Oh noes.. NOT. XDDDD wow, we owe you something? How about you owe us something for bitching without telling us what's wrong personally. I'm hurt... NOT. Ah, why am I even asking such a stupid question when I already know the answer. YOU.ARE.A.F'N.BITCH. Oh, and thanks for degrading us to pronouns. I've always wanted to be degraded to a pronoun. :3 <<
Where to start? Admittedly it's a rather simple, shallow affair that I may or may not be blowing out of proportion due to my uber-sensitivity (you're free to compare me to an onion, yeah). But damn it, I wasted an hour ("Dammit Precky, just an hour--") doing absolutely nothing but to expect and starve myself ("OMG Precky, you eat?!") because I was too much of a wuss to leave my place in fear of magkasalisihan. Yes, I've even thought of that, and prioritized it over my own forkin' stomach, and yes, I can't fucking understand Mamee's readings anymore because hell, my brain has used up all my breakfast.
>> Simple and shallow. Just like you? HAH! I am so good. <<
>> You already admitted that this could be shallow. So why bother? Unless it's not shallow.. then just get to the point already and say that it's now shallow for you and that you think you're not blowing this out of proportion. If you're going to be mad, don't do it half-assed.<<
>> Wow, and they call me dumb. Why the hell did you wait for us for an hour anyway? WASN'T THE HOUR-LONG WAIT ENOUGH TO TELL YOU WE WEREN'T COMING BACK? And I thought you were smart... tsk tsk. You disappoint me. Where did all the common sense go? <<
>> You wasted an hour? Excuse me, but I think if you wasted an hour, we wasted an hour as well. If you haven't noticed, while you were struggling to review for the exam on Friday, we were trying not to stab kuya photox for being so slow and making us wait on OUR photocopy materials. So chew on that. <<
>> You were hungry? You had no breakfast? TRY HAVING A FIGHT WITH YOUR BROTHER WHO PUNCHES LIKE NO THERE'S NO TOMMOROW FOR BREAKFAST. NO ONE TOLD YOU TO STARVE YOURSELF, IDIOT. <<
Let's backtrack. When did you leave? About 1PM, give or take a fifteen minutes. What's the plan? You'll come back to the damn room. You guys have the photocs (by the way, rest assured that my thanks for the photocs is sincere. I know when and where to direct my sarcasm, trust me that, thank you), I get to submit the envelope. Okay. Go. I pass the stuff, went back, waited for a bit inside the room, went out because the guard shooed us out, so I sat on one of the benches near Cybernook and waited. Thank Mamee's readings for the company, I didn't look too much of an idiot hanging around in the same bench for almost an hour. But then again, I barely understood the Maria Clara and the Market stuff or anything else for that matter, because a) I keep looking around if you people are back and b) I am seriously hungry.
>> There was a plan to come back!? Really? I didn't know that.. I thought the plan was that we were going to come back AFTER the photocopying was done. WOW. Silly me for trying to help and have your stuff photocopied and not just have my materials photocopied first and go home right after mine were done. <<
>> So.. you waited an hour? Are you stupid? Were you dropped in the head when you were a baby or something? Seriously. Who waits around like that without being worried that something happened? Magkasalisihan? There are only a handful of ways to get to the photox, you know. CAS is no MOA. You could have gotten up and walked to the photox in less than 15 minutes. You could have not seen us, you could have seen us, either way you could have had bought some food downstairs and waited in the photox area for us. We would have seen each other in the end anyway, had you only gotten your stupid princess ass moving. But you hadn't. Boohoo for you. Don't blame us for your shitty decision-making skills. <<
Vigil starts at 1:15PM. Vigil ends at 2:30PM. All times, give or take fifteen minutes thanks to my itty-bitty watch.
>> As I said, no sane person would wait that long without asking what was going on. There were ways to contact us without using YOUR phone. <<
And the deal was, you guys are going to return. Yes, fuck it, RETURN.
>> AND WE WERE, fuck it, WE WERE! WE WERE WAITING FOR THE COPIES TO BE DONE, fuck it, WE WERE! But you seem to be forgetting that there were several books. Oh wow, common sense, where did she drop you? <<
Want to know what I was thinking? Damn, the photocs line must be incredibly long. And, oh yeah, there were several books. It's really going to take them long. Yes, I am fucking stupid for waiting and moreso for not texting. Yeah, I'm that poor, by the way. Wasted my load yesterday. But anyway, aren't we supposed to meet at the classroom, right? Right.
>> Wow, she did use her common sense. And she didn't have any load.. wow. again, there were other ways to contact us. You could have gotten up and looked for us without letting one hour pass. And we were supposed to meet in the classroom. No one ever said we weren't. And this is not about you being poor or wasting your load the previous day. This is about you making a bad decision and blaming us for it. <<
Shit right I am.
>> Wow, does that make us Shit left and Shit middle? <<
And damn that text message. I RECEIVED NOTHING. And said text message basically said, "Hey, we're not returning yet!" Where the fuck? Sure, my cellphone went low batt, but that was around 2:15PM, and by that bloody time I was already spending much quality time with the pretty wooden bench near Cybernook. I don't mind looking utterly stupid sitting there, but I do mind wasting my forking time. Oh yeah, I received the text message when I got home and had the damn thing charged. 4PM, I think. Fuck it, yeah.
>> Oh wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I'm pretty sure the text was sent before 2:00. Because we had already been there for a long while by 2:00. And we weren't inconsiderate enough to just leave you there hanging.. oh wait, you think we were. Of course you do. It's not like you know us, we're not really friends... Oh wait, you do know us. We are friends. Or I'd like to think we are. Were. -shrugs- It's nice to know that you can trust us, friend. Oh, wait. You can't. <<
>> Again, nobody ever said you couldn't leave the bench and go look for us. That was your shitty decision that made all this shitty drama. And you're blaming us for it. Wow, how logical. <<
At 2:30PM, I decided it was time to call it quits with the bench. So I trudged off for the photocs land, and met Mamee's group with their amusing flat screen TV for Histo 4. Question: "Nakita niyo ba?" Answer (courtesy of Jemmae and Mamee): "Ayun oh!" *points*
>> Wow, your common sense must have an automatic shutdown-powerup thing, huh? Since it shut down for about an hour and only powered up at 2:30... does it work for your moods as well? We'd really like to know when to avoid you and when to inch closer to you. <<
So. While I was sitting my ass off patiently waiting for my magnificent duo to arrive...right. Right. Okay, let's keep the acerbity at a minimum.
>> No, no, keep it at maximum! Or else, I won't have anything to work with! :D <<
Information: "Nandito na sila nung dumating kami." Question: "Sandali, anung oras ba tayo nagkita?" Information: "Mga one."
>> Uh, duh? We left you at 1pm, remember? Or were you too busy minding your personal business that you forgot? <<
Ay, mga iha, masaya ito. Masayang-masaya.
>> Of course it is. Your stupidity never ceases to amaze me. <<
Let's face it though, you and me and we together. I absolutely have no right to bitch this. Because I'm not that dense to know that lately, I have been quite the bitch with requirements and such. I wake up late, arrive late, botch things up. And don't think it's not affecting my, ahem, self-esteem, being quite the load, because it does. So, if you guys did this just to get back at me, then say so, and I'm going to swallow my fucking pride and forget it. Because we want to be quits, don't we?
>> Ah, I think we do have a right to bitch about this. You started it. We were going to write your childish actions earlier as a mood swing brought about by unseen factors only known to you. Since you are-were our friend. But you.. wow, it's like you weren't even thinking about us at all. At least you had a bench to sit on. We were sitting on stone. You say you were hungry? What time did you get home? Four? Five? Because of these photox and your crappy attitude, I got my breakfast at five pm. And I got home at eight. Home at eight from a one pm dismissal all because of a little bitch who can't just let it pass. Well thank you friend, I didn't know you cared so much. <<
>> GET BACK AT YOU? WOOOOOW! I DIDN'T THINK YOU FELT GUILTY ENOUGH FOR ALL THE FUCK-UPS YOU'VE BEEN GIVING EVERYONE! Excuse me, but we're above petty things such as sabotaging another person's time just because of petty personal issues. How petty. We thought you were our friend. We thought you knew better. I thought you knew better. I am personally insulted that you would think we would even consider doing this to you to "get back at you". <<
>> Now that I think about it, you are that conceited, aren't you? Everything just has to be about you, whether it be a good thing or not. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. YOU WEREN'T THE POINT IN ALL THIS. WE WERE JUST INNOCENTLY WAITING FOR THE PHOTOX TO FINISH. TO FINIIIIIIIISH. And you're not that important to get back at anyway. GEEZ. You were just late. It's human nature to be late. I DIDN'T CARE THAT YOU WERE LATE. I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE WORK LOAD OR THE PREVIOUS FUCK UPS. WHY? BECAUSE I CAN LET THINGS LIKE THAT PASS IN FAVOR OF A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. But apparently, you can't. <<
When I got home, I told my sordid tale to my all-wise older brother. What did he say? "Kawawang bata, pinag-tripan."
>> Just for that, I want to smack your brother in the face and crush his balls in the palms of my sweaty hands. And I want to do the same to you, if it were only physically possible, for even believing such a thing. You really think we'd do that to you?! It's like you don't know us at all. I am very insulted and pissed that I'm wishing for a repeat performance where we can actually redo everything as you accuse us of. Just so this annoying feeling of being blamed for something I didn't do goes away. <<
Now that, dearies, is different story. Because that's just plain mean. Or maybe you forgot. And that's mean too. Let us straight out one fact that we all know about me, hmmkay? I bear amazingly long grudges.
>> WE DID NOT FUCKING FORGET, BITCH, THE COPIES STILL WEREN'T DONE AND WE WERE WAITING FOR THEM. GOD, HOW CAN SUCH AN IDIOT EVEN BE MY SO-CALLED FRIEND!? <<
>> Oh, now it's about grudge-holding? WOW, do you really want to go down that road? 'Cause I've been holding grudges since summer, and let me tell you, this is nothing compared to those. But you don't see me bitching about them because I WANT TO HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH A FRIEND AND I AM KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT AND LETTING THINGS PASS FOR THAT TO HAPPEN. A concept you can't seem to wrap around your ego-bloated head. <<
I don't care for your idiosyncrasies, the distance of your little nest from the photocs in comparison to my bustling wooden bench, or just how much you love each other's company - someone was waiting for you. I'll let it pass that my obviously grieved countenance apparently went right over your heads - because maybe it didn't - but what do I know?
>> OMGEE BIG WORDS SCARE ME. -rolls eyes- yeah, we get it. You have a higher IQ, you have a higher intellectual capacity, you are the F'N smartest of them all! YAY for you! Too bad your friend-making-and-keeping skills aren't as good. <<
>> Little nest? I'd hardly call that a nest. It was more like a no-choice-but-here-unless-we-want-to-be-trampled-by-people-having-their-materials-photocopied place. What are we, birds? <<
>> We love each other's company because we don't have to keep up with each other's 5-second-mortality mood swings. And we don't constantly have to up the other in conversations, we don't have to make "payabangan" or "pataasan ng ihi". And we certainly don't have egos bigger than our heads that they get in the way of "pakikisama". <<
>> Someone was waiting? WE KNEW THAT. AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN, WE WERE WAITING FOR THE PHOTOX TO BE DONE BEFORE WE WENT BACK. What's the use of leaving the materials there, going back and fetching you, then going back to the photox again just to wait there for the copying to be finished, when we could have easily waited and gotten back with the actual photox? Didn't your oversized brain think about that scenario? <<
>> Yeah, what do you know? Nothing. NOTHING. Get that straight, you know nothing, so don't curse and bitch at us. Swallow it like man. I don't care if it's sexist. It's the best term I can think of right now. <<
>> And it didn't go over our heads. We just chose not to spoil you rotten and baby you and be the ones to reach out to you and ask you what's wrong and apologize. You are looking for a doormat, not a friend. Hindi lang ikaw ang nainitan, nagutom, naguluhan, nawindang, napagod at nainis sa pangyayaring iyon. <<
And yes, everyone's free to stoke my temper to be honest, so go! We owe each other that much, don't we?
>> Again, I don't owe you anything. I say what I want not because you want me to answer you but because I want to answer for myself. I want to say my piece and tell you how stupid you are and how annoying it is that you are blaming us for a shitty decision you made all on your own. It wasn't our fault you forgot your common sense somewhere else today. It wasn't our fault that you didn't eat breakfast. It's not our fault that you're too absorbed with yourself that you even have the gall to think we did this to purposely spite you. It's not our fault you are a shitty friend. And it's your entire fault that I hate you so much right now, that I am insulted and very very very pissed off. I was going to let your childish behavior earlier pass, but for you to do this... to have the gall to even think we were sabotaging you.. Wow, I've got to hand it to you, no one says paranoia better than you. <<
And by the way, I still haven't eaten a decent meal ever since breakfast this morning. Damn. Anger is a good dieting motivation, I suppose. XD
>> And this is our fault how? It's not like we control your stomach. Or your brain or body or mouth for that matter. Wow, and I thought I was shallow. <<
God, it still irks me. -shakes head- what a friend! REALLY. I wish I had the permission from the other person involved to post all these at LJ. I really want to see the fireworks go off, you know? I want to laugh and make fun of you and your stupidity. Wow. I can't believe I didn't drop you and chose other friends the first time you went all moody-bitch on me. You are a fine piece of work. I have to admit, you got me good. I've begun doing that adjustment thing - that thing I do to stretch my boundaries and tolerate all those little irky things you do - just so I can be at peace every time I hang out with you... GOD, and then you do that thing... -shakes head-
Ugh, I'm going to stop now. I'll post another one by tomorrow if you still irk the heck out of me.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I EVER WANTED TO EVER EVER EVER PUT UP WITH YOU.
It's so irritating. Mendokusai na, aho. It's always about you isn't it? Hah, and to think that just three years ago, I wouldn't have even thought twice of trying to be civil with you. I hate your kind of people, the kind that can't think of anything else but themselves, the kind that just can't try to put others first, try to understand things before jumping to conclusions. Hate hate hate hate. I hate that bigoted one track mind of yours so much that Im even forgetting my punctuations.
Let's rewind. You assumed we would be back. But we didn't come back, and you only got a clue that we weren't coming back anymore after one hour and 15 minutes. WELL DUH PRINCESS, what clued you in that we weren't going to come back anymore? WAS IT THE EPIC 75-minute wait?! XDDDDD ohmygod, I think my stupid-o-meter is broken~ you know, normal human beings wouldn't wait past 30 minutes before trying to see what's wrong. I thought you had common sense dear. I mean, REALLY. Even a dog would know to look for dinner if it was promised dinner 30 minutes ago. No stupid being would just sit there, wait and stew for a full 75-epic-minutes and do nothing but blame other people for not coming back. SERIOUSLY. USE YOUR GODDAM BRAIN. YOU KNOW, THAT THING INSIDE YOUR SKULL? YEAH, TRY TO LEARN HOW TO USE IT FIRST BEFORE YOU COME BITCHING BACK AT ME, MMKAY? KTHNX.
ALSO, please please please please do not tell me that your precious (oh wow, nice play of words, gale!) one hour was epically wasted. Pare-pareho tayong nag-antay ng epic 75 minutes for the epic photox, mmkay? (We all were waiting for the epic photocopies for an epic 75 minutes, mmkay?) Your one hour wasted away just as mind did. However, the difference in that was I epically wasted away my one hour doing something productive (reading and keeping myself happy), instead of stewing in my simmering juices and cursing the friends who so graciously took the task of photocopying the things you needed for you stupid paper. HAH, we could have just left your books there you know. We didn't have to get your photocopies for you, but we did. So you don't have the right to bitch at us for taking so long because you weren't even there. If you wanted it fast, then you should have come and gotten in line yourself.
She texted you. You didn't receive anything. You said your phone died sometime just before 2:30. THEN WHY THE F DID YOU NOT TEXT US IF YOU WERE SO WORRIED?! THERE WAS APPROXIMATELY 75 MINUTES BETWEEN THE TIME WE LEFT AND THE TIME YOUR PHONE DIED... XDDDD aaaah, that is so funny! I wonder why? Lack of load? Why? Were there no other people around? FOR A FULL 75 MINUTES? XDDD I wonder if you had the mind to text us after the people in the room decided to leave... surely you could have asked one of them to lend you a phone for a moment to text us.. Or were you too absorbed with yourself that you failed to notice? ohgodreallythisistoomuchformystupid-o-meter.
And phooey, get off of your high horse, princess! You're not that important for us to play tricks on you.. what was it that your brother said.. napagtripan (I dun even know a proper English term for that.. it has the feeling of being tricked for the amusement of others)? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, reading my boring gay-meets-gay book is more interesting than trying to trick your sorry princess ass. I tease people for fun, missy, I don't try to trick them into showing how stupid they are by making them wait for my ass for a grand total of 75 epic minutes.
You are seriously a disturbing little critter. You make me teeth ache and chatter. When I'm with you my brain starts to shatter. You always have to make yourself look smarter. I wonder if you're gone my world will be brighter and my burden be lighter. So go ahead and die you fucker.
XDDD spontaneous poem. HAAAAY, stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid STUPID. And you have the gall to blame us for this.. WOW. >D I'll admit to not returning even though we promised to. But really. Seriously? Over just that? Weren't you being stupid as well? I mean, come on, what kind of an excuse is "ayaw magkasalisihan"? I mean, just how big do you think UPM is? XDDDDD And if this is about where we were, well we didn't want to be in the way of the people having their shit photocopied, mmkay? And we didn't want to get trampled in the stairs... and sitting in the corridors was too hot. >D And our spot was perfect, since you'd have to cross there to either get to and from GAB and RH. It was perfect! The fact that you found us proves my theory right: CAS IS NOT A BIG ASS PLACE THAT YOU WOULD LOSE TWO GROWN WOMEN CONSIDERING THE PROBABLE PATHS THEY WOULD TAKE TO GET TO THE PHOTOX AREA. omgiamsuchagenuis! >D
XDDDDDDD I am so pissed off right now. Seriously. I hope I don't see you tomorrow. I don't want to see you tomorrow. Seriously. >D I hate you. I really really really hate you. Really. Right now. There's so much hate in me that Sanzo would be so proud to call me his long lost daughter. Seriously. So much hate in me that Sasuke would be coming any second now to take lessons. So much hate that my computer is BSODing every 5 seconds in fear of me taking out all this hate on it. Poor laptop. I won't destroy you just because the mean turd-girl wouldn't shut up about a stupid trivial paperweight issue. You and you, she says. Wow, we've been degraded to just pronouns. XDDDDD Oh wow, I've always wanted to be degraded to a pronoun. It's my life-long dream... CURSE YOU TURD-GIRL, NOW I DON'T HAVE A LIFE-LONG DREAM ANYMORE. I MIGHT AS WELL DIE.
WAIT, SCRATCH THAT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL DIE.
I seriously hate things like this. But I guess I expected this. I think I never really got over all the little hang-ups and let-downs you've been giving me since summer. Those things.. they took the cake. They really did, but because I don't like cake that much anyway, I looked the other way while you just took the whole piece. Your daily attitude can be the icing you know. But icing makes you fat, so you can have all the icing. BUT THIS TAKES THE FLOWER CANDIES - YES, THE ORANGE ONES THAT I LOVE THE MOST - AND I JUST CAN'T LET THAT PASS! I FUCKING LOVE FLOWER CANDIES! BUT YOU'RE JUST TAKING LIBERTIES AND TAKING THEM ALL AWAY, YOU CHICHAI HAGE YARO! I'M GOING TO FUCKING CHOKE YOU WITH ALL THAT CAKE AND ICING AND STICK THE FLOWER CANDIES IN YOUR EYEBALLS JUST LIKE WHAT WE DID TO WENDY EARLIER TODAY!
-cough cough- we ate at Wendy's btw. And made a kick-ass baby-Wendy-monster-thing out of torn paper from the fries holder and some ketchup and some balled up (but clean) tissue. I have a picture somewhere, but I can't be bothered to put it up right now.
Aaah, there we go. Anger all gone. I can confidently march to my class later and be all smiles and happy and bouncy. Just like that. I am so going to get some puto seco later today at Rob. I love puto seco. It makes me less murderous. I really hope I don't bump into you tomorrow. >D Ah, you'll be holding a grudge then? Okay~ I hope you can hold out as long as I can. God knows how long I can hold out on grudge-matches. Just ask those two. They know very well. >D
I wonder if this puts me in a good light in Sanzo's eyes. XD Ah, I'm going crazy. I'm even thinking of impressing a fictional character. But you know, being crazy is better than being a bitch to your friends. At least when you're being crazy, your friends know that you can't be held responsible for your actions and they tend to CUT YOU SOME SLACK. But being a bitch is an inexcusable unforgivable irreversible crime. Your friends won't cut you any kind of slack, not to be kinky, but because they can't find any excuse for your stupid behavior. I mean come on. Bitching to your friends? Really? You're supposed to bitch about other people to your friends, not bitch about them - cause you know, that's going to cost you friends. Really. It's a stupid move. And if you care so much for your friends, then you'd be able to take a stupid trivial thing like this in stride and move on. Holding grudges, my ass. Ang sabihin mo, you hate being left out and you just have to be in on everything in order for you to feel like you belong. You shut out things that you can't follow, that you can't relate to, that you can't understand even without giving a sincere effort to follow, relate and understand... then you expect people to always clue you in and make you a part of the circle even when you're trying to push people away.
Ano ba talagang gusto mo, ate? Nakakaloka ka na kasi eh. Minsan okay ka, minsan hindi. Depende sa mood mo sa araw at sa moment na un kung mapapakisamahan ka ng maayos, o kelangan ka na naming itratong parang prinsesa para hindi mo kami tarayan. Ang gulo mo! Parang depende sa mood ang friendship sayo. Hindi kaibigan ang hanap mo eh. Ang hanap mo, ineng, ay isang magarbong posse.
EWAN. Haha, dapat nga hindi na kita papatulan eh. Kakapagod, kakainis, kakasira ng mood. Ganda-ganda pa man din ng mood ko kanina nung bago ako makauwi. Ewan ko ba sayo kung may sayad ka o hindi ka lang marunong gumamit ng common sense. Naman, sino ba naman kaxeng tanga ung mag-hihintay ng 75 minutes na hindi man lang nagtataka kung asan na ung hinihintay nia.. WOW. Naaamaze din naman ako sayo. Ngayon lang ako nakakilala ng isang taong kasing tanga mo. Kung nainip ka, sana hinanap mo kami di ba. Maliit lang naman ang CAS, at ang usapan lang naman ay sa photox. Kung nag hintay ka, sana inisip mo rin kung ilang libro ung dala namin di ba? DUH, DUH and DUH. Siyempre matagal. ETERNAL DUUUUUH. At kung may tiwala kang babalik kami, eh di sana nag stay put ka na lang at naghintay. Sabi nga ni Lambo, GA-MA-N (TO-LE-RATE). That, dearie, is the key to peace. HIGH TOLERANCE. At wag mong sasabihin na wala sa personality mo yan dahil dapat sa ngayon eh medyo matagal-tagal mo nang na-acquire yan. DUH. Isa yan sa mga puedeng maging core values ng ORCOM. >D
WHEW. HABA. Ewan, lagot ako kay Histo4 leader nito. Hay. Gagawa na nga ako ng report namin.. >D
Ipagpasensiya na po ang mga wrong grammar at spelling atbp na matatagpuan sa texto sa itaas. Bangag na kasi ung nagsusulat eh. >D
I thought I already lost any reason to post here. Initially I was posting here because I had issues, and I had no one to talk to. But things have changed these past few months...
I was beginning to think that I'd gotten over her. I thought I was recovering, finally, after having such a hard time over the break up. I guess I've never really talked about how I was affected by the break up...
I was shaken. I was uneasy, I was nervous and twitchy all the time. I couldn't sleep right, I couldn't think right. Hell, I couldn't even function right. I just couldn't operate. The only thing I could probably do without malfunctioning is to eat, and even that I was doing minimally (though for an unrelated manner).
I remember it was during exam week when it happened. We had exams in Spanish II and Humanities II, and I did really badly because she was in the same room as I was. To think that I was being affected even without talking to her at all.. weird. Weird but true. I'm pretty sure I got a whopping 5 on both exams, no exaggerations whatsoever. I know for Span II it's true. I saw my test paper. For Hum II, well... the pointed disappointed look on our professor's face as he was talking to a classmate and I about people who flunked was enough.
I was very bothered to say the least. It was a good thing that those were the only exams I flunked royally, even though we practically had every class together except for Humanities I. The exams for the major subject I really forced myself to do well on, because I knew that if I flunked that, there would be no future for me, as far as my parents were concerned. No, I was pretty bothered really. I couldn't even go five minutes without thinking about her and what a mistake I was making in not apologizing and just giving in.
There were so many times I wanted to give in. I wanted to just stop and hold her hand and say, "Let's stop this. Let's stop fighting, let's stop being idiots and talk to each other again. Let's be friends again. I missed you. I love you." There were so many times, so many opportunities... but I couldn't do it, because all I had left was my pride, and I wasn't about to give that away. It was my fault it didn't get fixed.
I was kind of hoping that she would try to fix it. I was tired of fixing things, and I thought that with her, I could finally relax. Be myself. I thought that I was allowed to cry for once. Allowed to be weak for once. Allowed to hurt for once. Allowed to just let go and depend on her for once. I thought that for once I would be babied and taken care of. I thought for once it was okay not to be in control. I wanted to let go and let her take care of it. Just for once.
But I guess we weren't ready for that. I thought I was, I thought we were. I wonder now why I even thought that. Because it was too obvious that we had been so used to our roles that we had forgotten how it was to have other personas with each other. I've never once let her be in control. I was stupid to think that I could just drop all the burden on her so suddenly and expect her to respond the way I wanted her to. I was foolish. Selfish too. But I couldn't really see that then, and now... now I just can't accept it.
"It's not a big deal," I told my mom. "People change. Nobody stays the same." I wonder if I was talking about her or myself.
I was watching House just the other day, and something Laurie's character said struck me. People always lie. They never tell the truth. I told her I wanted to stop being her friend because I couldn't stand her anymore, but the truth was that I wanted her to show me I was important, that I mattered, that what I couldn't stand was her not doing anything to fix the problem. To fix us. Never mind that I was doing the same thing myself, I was justifying my actions by saying that I already did that for us before, so why couldn't she do it for us now... I was stupid. Utterly utterly stupid, and I think I regret losing her over something so trivial and so... soap opera-ish. I really do, and nowadays I find myself thinking that all of it was such a waste to lose. Such a waste.
I don't know why she never said anything. I thought we were closer than that. I thought she knew me better. But I guess that's too complicated? It's like pushing something away even though all you really want to do is to hug that something to your chest and never let go. It's like trying to refuse a home-cooked dinner just to see if your mom would do something drastic in order to feed you. It's like trying to hide yourself in the park just to see if someone would come looking for you. Testing. that's what it is. It's like you're testing to see if you're important enough to warrant even the slightest effort from the ones you care about. If it succeeds, you end up feeling really great about yourself - loved, cherished, cared about. It makes you feel happy and important, it gives you a sense of pride.
But it can backfire horribly, and if you would just look at me and my current predicament, it's very evident. All I've ever wanted was to see how much I really meant to her. I've never had the reason to question her, but upon entering college, I felt the need to reassert my importance in her life. And I saw an opportunity, took it, thought it would pacify me, but it horribly backfired on me. And now all I'm left are these stupid regrets and stupid disappointments. All brought my by own stupid self.
And all i can do is be miserable and blame her and the world for fucking me up.
I want to blame her. I actually blame her. I've done it, and I've felt no guilt. But the sadness hasn't gone away... I think the sadness will never go away. I've never really learned how to let go, and it's manifesting again. I wish I knew how... at least, it wouldn't hurt as much if I learned how.
Sometimes I get the crazy idea that if I suddenly go up to her and hug her, everything will be alright. Sometimes I seriously think that could happen. But then I see the new her, and I wake up from my fantasies. She's not there anymore. The friend I knew is gone, and no matter what anyone says, I know she's gone. That's not my friend anymore, that's completely another person. And maybe that's my cowardice speaking, but I still feel that I've lost her for good this time. I've really lost her, and even if I could, I think I don't even want her back anymore. It's just too sad and hurtful to have her around; it feels like we want to be happy, but all we can do is make each other miserable. It sounds so dramatic, but I feel that it's true. We're not good for each other. She encourages my ego, and I treat her like trash. We're really not a good combination.
I want to be free of her and her shadow. I want to move on and have new friends without bringing over whatever it was that fucked us up. I want to have someone special again without her ever crossing my mind each and every time I interact with that new person. I want a new life, a life without her or any memories of her. I want to clean my system of her, I want her out.
But how can I do that when she's so deeply ingrained in me? Time? Is that what I need? I've had time, and sure it's dulled, but it hasn't gone away at all. Will it ever go away? I want it to. I really do, but I'm not so sure it would ever go.
I want to breathe. I want to cry. I want to relieve myself of this. But I'm just so stuck. I wish there was some escape hatch somewhere... I wish I could rely on some vice to take the edge off. I wish I could... but nothing's going to happen if I don't act. But how can I act if I can't even function right? How can I?
Interests : A lot of things. But currently, anime/manga/jdramas/jmusic/jactors... oh, and B-rated Movies
Favorite Anime: Right now, my priority is Naruto. And Bleach. And Prince of Tennis.
Affiliates : || UP-Ongaku Manga Anime Kosupurai Eiga || || He Is His Lover - ICHIRAKU ||
I am : || a not so girly girl hell-bent on conquering her obsessions || || likes manga / anime / anything related || || likes reading / writing / making up stories / eating / sleeping / being lazy / picking on her not-so-little brother / eggs / milk / cheese / oranges / frogs / mix breed puppies / being alone / her beloved laptop || || is a YAOI FANGIRL || || elementary : Sacred Heart School || || high school : Parañaque Science High School || || college : University of the Philippines Manila || || is usually ditzy and spazzy || || looks like a zombie from all her midnight trysts with her bestfriend, internet-han || || her current fandoms : PoT / Tenimyu / Naruto / Bleach / ShiroAi / SaiRui / Loveless / DannyFlack / Boy's Love / Sukitomo || || her previous fandoms : gwing / DN / FMA / Kyou Kara Maou / HikaGo / Ouran /Gakuen Heaven / yugioh / Law of Ueki / Get Backers / Yuyu Hakusho / HP / CSI / CSI NY ||