I thought I already lost any reason to post here. Initially I was posting here because I had issues, and I had no one to talk to. But things have changed these past few months...
I was beginning to think that I'd gotten over her. I thought I was recovering, finally, after having such a hard time over the break up. I guess I've never really talked about how I was affected by the break up...
I was shaken. I was uneasy, I was nervous and twitchy all the time. I couldn't sleep right, I couldn't think right. Hell, I couldn't even function right. I just couldn't operate. The only thing I could probably do without malfunctioning is to eat, and even that I was doing minimally (though for an unrelated manner).
I remember it was during exam week when it happened. We had exams in Spanish II and Humanities II, and I did really badly because she was in the same room as I was. To think that I was being affected even without talking to her at all.. weird. Weird but true. I'm pretty sure I got a whopping 5 on both exams, no exaggerations whatsoever. I know for Span II it's true. I saw my test paper. For Hum II, well... the pointed disappointed look on our professor's face as he was talking to a classmate and I about people who flunked was enough.
I was very bothered to say the least. It was a good thing that those were the only exams I flunked royally, even though we practically had every class together except for Humanities I. The exams for the major subject I really forced myself to do well on, because I knew that if I flunked that, there would be no future for me, as far as my parents were concerned. No, I was pretty bothered really. I couldn't even go five minutes without thinking about her and what a mistake I was making in not apologizing and just giving in.
There were so many times I wanted to give in. I wanted to just stop and hold her hand and say, "Let's stop this. Let's stop fighting, let's stop being idiots and talk to each other again. Let's be friends again. I missed you. I love you." There were so many times, so many opportunities... but I couldn't do it, because all I had left was my pride, and I wasn't about to give that away. It was my fault it didn't get fixed.
I was kind of hoping that she would try to fix it. I was tired of fixing things, and I thought that with her, I could finally relax. Be myself. I thought that I was allowed to cry for once. Allowed to be weak for once. Allowed to hurt for once. Allowed to just let go and depend on her for once. I thought that for once I would be babied and taken care of. I thought for once it was okay not to be in control. I wanted to let go and let her take care of it. Just for once.
But I guess we weren't ready for that. I thought I was, I thought we were. I wonder now why I even thought that. Because it was too obvious that we had been so used to our roles that we had forgotten how it was to have other personas with each other. I've never once let her be in control. I was stupid to think that I could just drop all the burden on her so suddenly and expect her to respond the way I wanted her to. I was foolish. Selfish too. But I couldn't really see that then, and now... now I just can't accept it.
"It's not a big deal," I told my mom. "People change. Nobody stays the same." I wonder if I was talking about her or myself.
I was watching House just the other day, and something Laurie's character said struck me. People always lie. They never tell the truth. I told her I wanted to stop being her friend because I couldn't stand her anymore, but the truth was that I wanted her to show me I was important, that I mattered, that what I couldn't stand was her not doing anything to fix the problem. To fix us. Never mind that I was doing the same thing myself, I was justifying my actions by saying that I already did that for us before, so why couldn't she do it for us now... I was stupid. Utterly utterly stupid, and I think I regret losing her over something so trivial and so... soap opera-ish. I really do, and nowadays I find myself thinking that all of it was such a waste to lose. Such a waste.
I don't know why she never said anything. I thought we were closer than that. I thought she knew me better. But I guess that's too complicated? It's like pushing something away even though all you really want to do is to hug that something to your chest and never let go. It's like trying to refuse a home-cooked dinner just to see if your mom would do something drastic in order to feed you. It's like trying to hide yourself in the park just to see if someone would come looking for you. Testing. that's what it is. It's like you're testing to see if you're important enough to warrant even the slightest effort from the ones you care about. If it succeeds, you end up feeling really great about yourself - loved, cherished, cared about. It makes you feel happy and important, it gives you a sense of pride.
But it can backfire horribly, and if you would just look at me and my current predicament, it's very evident. All I've ever wanted was to see how much I really meant to her. I've never had the reason to question her, but upon entering college, I felt the need to reassert my importance in her life. And I saw an opportunity, took it, thought it would pacify me, but it horribly backfired on me. And now all I'm left are these stupid regrets and stupid disappointments. All brought my by own stupid self.
And all i can do is be miserable and blame her and the world for fucking me up.
I want to blame her. I actually blame her. I've done it, and I've felt no guilt. But the sadness hasn't gone away... I think the sadness will never go away. I've never really learned how to let go, and it's manifesting again. I wish I knew how... at least, it wouldn't hurt as much if I learned how.
Sometimes I get the crazy idea that if I suddenly go up to her and hug her, everything will be alright. Sometimes I seriously think that could happen. But then I see the new her, and I wake up from my fantasies. She's not there anymore. The friend I knew is gone, and no matter what anyone says, I know she's gone. That's not my friend anymore, that's completely another person. And maybe that's my cowardice speaking, but I still feel that I've lost her for good this time. I've really lost her, and even if I could, I think I don't even want her back anymore. It's just too sad and hurtful to have her around; it feels like we want to be happy, but all we can do is make each other miserable. It sounds so dramatic, but I feel that it's true. We're not good for each other. She encourages my ego, and I treat her like trash. We're really not a good combination.
I want to be free of her and her shadow. I want to move on and have new friends without bringing over whatever it was that fucked us up. I want to have someone special again without her ever crossing my mind each and every time I interact with that new person. I want a new life, a life without her or any memories of her. I want to clean my system of her, I want her out.
But how can I do that when she's so deeply ingrained in me? Time? Is that what I need? I've had time, and sure it's dulled, but it hasn't gone away at all. Will it ever go away? I want it to. I really do, but I'm not so sure it would ever go.
I want to breathe. I want to cry. I want to relieve myself of this. But I'm just so stuck. I wish there was some escape hatch somewhere... I wish I could rely on some vice to take the edge off. I wish I could... but nothing's going to happen if I don't act. But how can I act if I can't even function right? How can I?
galeaya stepped on your garbage at
10.2.2009 1:03:27 am
Interests : A lot of things. But currently, anime/manga/jdramas/jmusic/jactors... oh, and B-rated Movies
Favorite Anime: Right now, my priority is Naruto. And Bleach. And Prince of Tennis.
Affiliates : || UP-Ongaku Manga Anime Kosupurai Eiga || || He Is His Lover - ICHIRAKU ||
I am : || a not so girly girl hell-bent on conquering her obsessions || || likes manga / anime / anything related || || likes reading / writing / making up stories / eating / sleeping / being lazy / picking on her not-so-little brother / eggs / milk / cheese / oranges / frogs / mix breed puppies / being alone / her beloved laptop || || is a YAOI FANGIRL || || elementary : Sacred Heart School || || high school : Parañaque Science High School || || college : University of the Philippines Manila || || is usually ditzy and spazzy || || looks like a zombie from all her midnight trysts with her bestfriend, internet-han || || her current fandoms : PoT / Tenimyu / Naruto / Bleach / ShiroAi / SaiRui / Loveless / DannyFlack / Boy's Love / Sukitomo || || her previous fandoms : gwing / DN / FMA / Kyou Kara Maou / HikaGo / Ouran /Gakuen Heaven / yugioh / Law of Ueki / Get Backers / Yuyu Hakusho / HP / CSI / CSI NY ||